Silence - 1/10

Silence is a sound
that only some can hear
it's a language
and a moan
it's the memory of fear
it isn't golden
or bronzed
sometimes it isn't even true
it isn't glittered or adorned
but it's a promise that i made to you

it's the torn up bits of paper
it's my secret shining through
and i'm glaring with my eyes
to get this one thing out of you
i've met people who were strangers
until they shared my point of view
i'm the child of my mother
and that is always true

A memory - written today

That's just the smell
of rotting wood
and a memory
from childhood
we used to run
out to the creek
catching tadpoles
in a mystery world
it was magical and beautiful
it was the only place
that wanted me

I wanted to live there
in the boughs of a tree
that held me firmly
in its embrace
never pushing me away
I nailed 3 boards
to a branch
before abandoning my plan
my 8-year-old hands
didn't yet have the skill
to construct a home from scratch
and when I went out
to the creek to play
those crooked boards
stared down at me
mocking me
in my inability
to construct my own
reality

Untitle 4/5/02 (At 19)

The lights were blinking
I put down my cup
I ran outside quickly
I thought I'd throw up
someone said something
that made my friend laugh
he filled up his cup
and asked her to dance
the girls were being girls
while the boys were being boys
and something spoke to me
amidst all the noise
like the lights all stopped
and the people all dropped
and a new revelation escaped
we're utterly confined
by the molds in our mind
so let's fucking get out of this place

This was written in college and just illustrates how different I felt then and always have. It's getting better now though. I don't feel like an outsider in social situations anymore.

Flame (at 13 or 14)

From behind a rainy window
My thoughts turning to the streetlight
I desperately search for you
Eyes skimming beneath the bright

The string connecting us just snapped
Flinging backwards, it stung my face
Wishing you were a chalkboard
and with a swipe you'd be erased

Has anyone ever told you people are real?
Not just pawns in your personal chess game
I hope someday you learn how to feel
So it burns like hell when you go up in a
Flame

My dad - reflecting on the last 12 months

It's been almost a year since my dad was hospitalized. May will mark the one year anniversary of me beginning recovery. I spent a lot of the last year feeling sorry for myself and resenting my lot in life. I think it was something I had to go through and I'm happy to report that I really feel like I'm coming out of the other side of it. I was so focused on all the things I didn't have or never had growing up, that I wasn't seeing all the amazing blessings in my life. For one, my dad is alive and getting better everyday. He's going to visit my brother next week in Nevada, which is something he never did when he was drinking. He called me to say he wants to come out and visit me next. I started crying after I get off the phone because he was never able to plan and actually make the trip.

I feel blessed by the people and friends who have given me support through all of the drama the last year. I really know who my friends are now and who I can turn to, and having that knowledge is a gift.

Blessed to have me... I am proud of myself and that through it all I've come out of this so much stronger. I know if I can handle the events of the last year, I can handle what else life has in store for me. And I take comfort in knowing that most of the years ahead of me won't be as bad as the year that is now finally behind me. I see myself in a positive light for the first time. I never realized how negative my relationship with myself was and now I'm going much easier on me. I can laugh at myself and pat myself on the back instead of always feeling like I'm coming up short somehow. I respect myself now. I made an appointment with my boss last week and told him very clearly how certain aspects of my job were just not working for me. I stood up to him and stood my ground. Ultimately, even if I don't get what I'm asking for, I'm so proud of myself for vocalizing my needs.

I can finally see that this last year, as painful and intense as it was, has had some very positive and amazing effects on me and my life.

"I thank my lucky stars everyday for indoor plumbing." - The Blow finding blessings in everyday life

Untitled - 3/15/02 (At 19)

but the mud inside my head
doesn't seem to come out
when you're reaching through my ear
squeeze until i shout
wring it till i cry
numb me with the pain
make your presence known
leave your imprint on my brain
sometimes i don't know
what it is i vocalize
the path from brain to mouth
becomes this compromise
so why not go ahead
open me up and look around
cause that's what i mean
that's how i feel
and that's our common ground

It used to be a lot harder for me to identify my feelings and then to express them verbally. but it is getting easier for me now. It's not exactly second nature, but I find my reactions popping out of my mouth a lot quicker, which is a good thing for me.