5/24/10

It's just me again
finding my way
in my own body
I thought it was a desert
and I was dying
of thirst
but now i know
it's the Caribbean Sea
that's inside of me

pure blue water flows through my veins
my bones are fine white sand
My heart used to be
my own worst enemy
a sea anemone
and I had claws for hands

but now my heart's a starfish
sunbathing on a rock
and what used to be my clenched fist
is opening to God

maybe i believed
the tale that i had spun
a fish out of water
frying in the sun
doomed to an eternity
of gasping "marco"
to no reply
yanked from one world
to another
just to die

but then there was a river
and then it was a lake
and then it flooded over
and i realized my mistake

i've been floating in the waters
of my very own sea
coarsing through my veins
the true version of me

Instinct - 2/4/10

then there's just one thing
i'm sure i never knew
but here we are in 2010
so where does that leave you?

i've been pretending like
leaving you
didn't feel like rejection
i've been hiding in the shadow
of hurt and deception

i'm a woman scorned
and a woman burned
and running from that house ablaze
was no act of consciousness
or strength
or pride
that was instinct
saving my life

Strong - 12/14/09

this is a poem about me
i'm alive
and i know it
i feel it in my veins
i'm busy and tired
but never more sane
i'm excited and ready
for action or pain
cause whatever is coming
won't get in my way

this is my life
and the hand i was dealt
was meant for me
so i must be at least as strong
as I need
as strong as it takes to live
the life I lead

Untitled 12/14/09

I'm tired of feeling tortured
and feeling alone
the pathways to my brain
are sensations I can own
and redirect
or intercept
until they find another home
but I can't keep giving solace
to thoughts I can't condone

End of the Century 12/15/09

It's the end of another century
and now you know my name
I'm offering a memory
that never looks the same
and in my heart
I locked it up
so I would never see
I've lived in fear
but now I know
that wasn't really me

I can be calm in confusion
still in a storm
if that's what I choose to do
I've learned to respond
in so many ways
without responding to you

I wrote this poem this week and it touches on something I've talked about with a friend. 2009 has been crazy and painful in so many ways for me. Hands down the worst year yet, but hitting my bottom brought me to Al-Anon and recovery, so I can't discount the merits of the year. But at a particularly low point, I was tempted to go with F.E.A.R. (Fuck Everything and Run). My family was having all kinds of drama, I was unhappy at work, I had to find a new apartment and I wasn't in a relationship for the first time in a while. I told a friend I wanted to pick up and move to Spain or travel the world. He said something very wise.

He said, If that's what you choose to do because it's right for you to take that action, then I will totally support you. But if you're doing this as a reaction to what's happening, then I don't think it's the right move for you. I've been thinking a lot about the difference between acting and reacting. I've lived most of my life reacting to situations around me, and being passive when there was nothing to react to. Now, I'm seeing that I have choices and control in my own life. I recently initiated a conversation to discuss changes I wanted to make at work with my boss and I got a raise! Instead of skipping the country for good, I opted out of spending Christmas with the family and am headed to Australia and the warmth instead. It's still very scary for me- acting and being active in my own life, but I must say it feels really great too.

The Trip Home 11/26/09

Is that all I am to you?
Something to react against?
Someone to stand up to
And exercise your self defense?

I'm looking forward
to the time it takes to get somewhere
I'll be there tomorrow
to give you the time it takes to prepare

I'm a long way from home
Living alone
Way out on the other side
of the country
the moon
the day
and you
It's the best place I've found to hide

I'm not excited but I'm not scared
of the trip I'm about to take
I'm not running but I'm not hiding
And I can't say I've made a mistake

Today I'm grateful for

- a mild autumn so far
- the realization that I'd be happier if I cooked less
- understanding what it means to take care of myself
- the Indian and sushi places that deliver to my apartment
- recovery and that I can spend time with my family and not go crazy
- that recovery has taught me to have boundaries
- that my dad is alive
- that I am alive
- being able to recognize the different and rewarding relationships I have with people
- a job
- my own apartment (the couch will come when it's ready)
- a president who doesn't make me want to throw things at the tv when he speaks
- a community (Brooklyn) that is conscious and progressive
- the subway
- indoor plumbing
- computers
- Hulu
- writing
- the opportunity to learn about myself and who I am - some people never get it or they don't take it
- the trip I'm taking to Australia to spend Christmas and New Year's somewhere warm
- being single
- cheese
- my friends and the fun things we do like flea markets and brunches and just hanging out doing nothing together and cracking up
- love in life and in me and for me
- chocolate
- trashy books that are fun to read on the subway
- the journey and that I have accepted the challenge to be on it even though it can be scary and painful and so difficult that sometimes it seems like I won't make it through this path in life that forces us to examine ourselves and deal with the past... I am on this train and will hang on for dear life to wherever it takes me

Invocation - 6/1/09

I'm already ready for a better next year
I'm already clearing the way
Hope is a feeling, but not only that
It's what gets me through the day

Intro

Where to begin? From the beginning? Oh, god, that would take far too long. Okay, let's start from the beginning of this year. I had moved in with my boyfriend of about a year and as that relationship quickly deteriorated, I found myself looking for places again by March. Looking for apartments in New York is hellish. I'm sure it sucks anywhere in the world, but New York realtors are a particular breed that magically turn hallway closets into "1/2 bedrooms".

Anyway, that's when shit really went down. On March 23rd, my dad was hospitalized for pneumonia, but then suffered multiple complications and ended up in the ICU on a ventilator and unconscious for about 2 months. I went back to California for a month to be there through this time. The doctors gave us a very grim prognosis for my dad, saying that he would probably never be able to live on his own again, if he survived at all. Thinking and preparing for the thought of my dad dying brought up a lot of issues, memories, and conflict. My dad is an alcoholic and was drinking actively to the point of his hospitalization. I was in close contact with my mom and 2 brothers who all live out West. Being around my family again and trying to work together on issues around my dad's affairs was difficult and painful.

When I returned to New York, after my dad started to recover (thankfully), I was having a very hard time living my life here because of conflicts with other members of my family and because of the pressure and concern for my dad's health. A friend mentioned that some of the issues I was having were very typical of co-dependent relationships. I flinched at the word, thinking of it in its application to couples who live in their couple bubble. But she explained it as the type of relationship people often develop with addicts and she suggested I do some reading on it. Let's call this friend Hope, because she has helped me through so many tough times, and I'm sure I'll be talking about her a lot.

So, I did some reading (and a lot of crying) and I completely identified with the feelings and experiences of co-dependents. I picked up Adult Children of Alcoholics and must have read it in one sitting. Well, the rest is not quite history because that was only a couple of months ago. I've since started attending a weekly Al-Anon meeting and I continue to unpeel the onion of recovery. I know now that I'm far from the only one who has my problems, but I've always been a writer at heart and lately I have a lot I'm thinking about that I want to share with others. I can do this in a number of ways - through connecting with friends, going to meetings, and through this blog. I'm looking forward to connecting with people like me out there, since I now realize there are a lot of you and I would love to hear from you and about your experiences.