My dad - reflecting on the last 12 months

It's been almost a year since my dad was hospitalized. May will mark the one year anniversary of me beginning recovery. I spent a lot of the last year feeling sorry for myself and resenting my lot in life. I think it was something I had to go through and I'm happy to report that I really feel like I'm coming out of the other side of it. I was so focused on all the things I didn't have or never had growing up, that I wasn't seeing all the amazing blessings in my life. For one, my dad is alive and getting better everyday. He's going to visit my brother next week in Nevada, which is something he never did when he was drinking. He called me to say he wants to come out and visit me next. I started crying after I get off the phone because he was never able to plan and actually make the trip.

I feel blessed by the people and friends who have given me support through all of the drama the last year. I really know who my friends are now and who I can turn to, and having that knowledge is a gift.

Blessed to have me... I am proud of myself and that through it all I've come out of this so much stronger. I know if I can handle the events of the last year, I can handle what else life has in store for me. And I take comfort in knowing that most of the years ahead of me won't be as bad as the year that is now finally behind me. I see myself in a positive light for the first time. I never realized how negative my relationship with myself was and now I'm going much easier on me. I can laugh at myself and pat myself on the back instead of always feeling like I'm coming up short somehow. I respect myself now. I made an appointment with my boss last week and told him very clearly how certain aspects of my job were just not working for me. I stood up to him and stood my ground. Ultimately, even if I don't get what I'm asking for, I'm so proud of myself for vocalizing my needs.

I can finally see that this last year, as painful and intense as it was, has had some very positive and amazing effects on me and my life.

"I thank my lucky stars everyday for indoor plumbing." - The Blow finding blessings in everyday life

Today I'm grateful for

- a mild autumn so far
- the realization that I'd be happier if I cooked less
- understanding what it means to take care of myself
- the Indian and sushi places that deliver to my apartment
- recovery and that I can spend time with my family and not go crazy
- that recovery has taught me to have boundaries
- that my dad is alive
- that I am alive
- being able to recognize the different and rewarding relationships I have with people
- a job
- my own apartment (the couch will come when it's ready)
- a president who doesn't make me want to throw things at the tv when he speaks
- a community (Brooklyn) that is conscious and progressive
- the subway
- indoor plumbing
- computers
- Hulu
- writing
- the opportunity to learn about myself and who I am - some people never get it or they don't take it
- the trip I'm taking to Australia to spend Christmas and New Year's somewhere warm
- being single
- cheese
- my friends and the fun things we do like flea markets and brunches and just hanging out doing nothing together and cracking up
- love in life and in me and for me
- chocolate
- trashy books that are fun to read on the subway
- the journey and that I have accepted the challenge to be on it even though it can be scary and painful and so difficult that sometimes it seems like I won't make it through this path in life that forces us to examine ourselves and deal with the past... I am on this train and will hang on for dear life to wherever it takes me