Phone - written at 16

You called today
and it hurt a little less
to hang up the phone
with the wire connecting us

Yeah, I still threw it down
after you hung up,
but I got over it quickly
got a drink of water,
thought of someone else.

I thought of someone else.
But it wasn't the same,
because it wasn't you
And after I've tallied the
count of terrible deeds that
you've committed,
I still hope
hope that you will call.

And after I recover
from all of your abuse,
I still long for the hurt.

And maybe one day I'll be ok
maybe I'll be happy alone
But that day isn't today
and I'm still waiting, staring at the phone

I wrote this poem about my first real boyfriend in high school, after we broke up. I file this under the "repeating the cycle" category. Children and adult children of alcholics will continue to seek out unavailable partners for romantic relationships unless they recover. Until I realized my own habits and tendencies and where they came from, I was unable to stop myself from the allure of unavailable people. I can't say that I've fully changed my wiring, because I'm still very attracted to aloof or unavailable people, but at least I recognize it now and can understand where it comes from and why it's not good for me.

I think this attraction comes from the need to win acceptance that started at home. My alcoholic father and co-dependent mother taught me that love was not unconditional, and that it had to be earned. I grew up trying to win their approval in various ways. I assumed the responsibility for making them love me and figured if they were angry or not giving me what I needed, that I had to try harder or adjust my behavior. In the past, when men have showed me attention and affection, it has been a turn-off for me, because I've felt that it shouldn't be so easy to get people to care for me. This whole thought process is very sick and destructive, but I know that there are many people like me, and that gives me comfort. Now I am able to deconstruct it, look at it honestly, and ultimately re-wire my programming.

Untitled - 12/4/09

everytime you touch me
i disappear
my heart leaves my body
it feels insincere

like this moment was
faked or staged
like this was a plan
and not a promise you made

and what is it you're hiding
behind your cryptic eyes?
what is it you're holding?
your hands run me over,
constructing alibis

is it nature or nurture
that gets in the way?
you call me here, you pull me near
and then you pull away

When I started reading about ACoAs, I found it interesting how we form our ideas about love. We learn love from our family, and however love was expressed is how we come to understand it. And in an alcoholic family, love is expressed in very strange ways. I always knew that my parents loved me, but then they often didn't want to be bothered with me, and they sometimes put me down and pushed me away. So, that dynamic is how I came to understand love - a push and pull. I sought out other people who shared my idea of love and predictably, it's always ended in disaster. I'm trying to re-define love for myself and seek out others who have a healthier understanding of it as well in my friendships, and ultimately in a romantic relationship.