everytime you touch me
i disappear
my heart leaves my body
it feels insincere
like this moment was
faked or staged
like this was a plan
and not a promise you made
and what is it you're hiding
behind your cryptic eyes?
what is it you're holding?
your hands run me over,
constructing alibis
is it nature or nurture
that gets in the way?
you call me here, you pull me near
and then you pull away
When I started reading about ACoAs, I found it interesting how we form our ideas about love. We learn love from our family, and however love was expressed is how we come to understand it. And in an alcoholic family, love is expressed in very strange ways. I always knew that my parents loved me, but then they often didn't want to be bothered with me, and they sometimes put me down and pushed me away. So, that dynamic is how I came to understand love - a push and pull. I sought out other people who shared my idea of love and predictably, it's always ended in disaster. I'm trying to re-define love for myself and seek out others who have a healthier understanding of it as well in my friendships, and ultimately in a romantic relationship.
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Just checking in
4 years ago
Love relationships have been difficult because I sought out others who I thought could fill the hole that I had inside. Instead they were also sick and we both ended up in the dance of disaster together. I've always marvelled at the choices I've made--like a moth drawn to a hot flame.
ReplyDeleteYea, what's hard about it is that I have a hard time trusting my instincts. As soon as I'm attracted to someone, I'm sure that they're probably terrible for me. I'm hoping with recovery and awareness, my instincts will change.
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