Untitled - 5/22/10 and 5/23/10

Today's your birthday
I used to think
you were born
to protect me
you made me
a canopy bed
of blue and white checkers
and I remember what you said
that the sheet that hung
from up above me
was there to protect me
from all the bad things outside
getting in
and i believed
truly believed

never felt so deceived
so utterly lied to
like the strength of one man
was enough to rely on
I lay there in awe
as one by one
my demons surrounded me
held me down
and raped me
in the very same bed
built for safekeeping
slipped through the checkered net
leaving blue bruises on my neck
it was easy to blame you
for the mess

Finally, I took it down
declared myself
a big girl now
If there are any demons out to get me
then I want to see
them coming.

It's the day
after your birthday
and this time I remembered
I've been your daughter
your mother
your wife
you needed so much help
and yet it didn't help at all,
did it?

Some things are just too painful
to face
it hurt so much
for so long
i didn't even notice anymore
going through life
an open sore
i've had you and lost you
you've loved me,
then stopped
you protected me
until I got hurt
and then gave me the blame
turning on me
you changed the game
became
someone else
and now look at me-
i need your help

we're on this planet
at the very same time
and after all of our near misses
here we are - still alive
so there's a reason you're here
and i am too
instead of you protecting me
maybe it's meant to be
me protecting you

Pretended Concern (at 12-13)

Everyone thinks they know
Everyone thinks they see
All that is jaded
All that is shaded
When they can't find
Their own key

All of them want to believe
All of them pretend to care
About my stain
About my pain
Or anything
that lingers there

No one understands
No one really cares to
Set me free
Let me be
What you have done
You cannot undo.

Ex-Files

So I traded some e-mails with my ex and he explained his negative, nasty behavior during the end of our relationship (and a time when my dad was critically ill) by saying that he was sorry for it and that there was no excuse, but that he treated me that way for "many reasons" which included him feeling that I was being malicious or vindictive towards him.

If you're an ACoA, then you know how easily people can flip your feelings and understandings on their heads. Partly, I think this is because we were often told the way we felt was wrong. Another reason I think is that things were never as they seemed at home. There were secrets the family kept from the outside as well as secrets between members of the family. I found out after my parents divorced that my mom had been married before marrying my dad. My oldest brother got in trouble for selling weed from the public pool he worked at in high school, and I didn't know what he had done until years later. I remember that period of time because my parents were upset and they had many top secret meetings with my brother. The atmosphere was tense and no one told me what was going on. I came to expect that there was more going on than I was aware of in situations and relationships.

So, when my ex said that I was malicious and vindictive, I tried the accusation on to see if it fit. Did I engage in unhealthy behavior with him? Yes. Did I argue and yell and participate in a negative, co-dependent relationship? Sure. But malicious and vindictive are words used to describe a person whose sole motivation is to hurt another. And that certainly does not describe me or my actions towards him. And as long as that's how he perceives me, then I don't need to have any type of contact with him. Why would I want to keep someone in my life who sees me so unclearly?

So, I told him as much. I said that if he wanted to be "friends" or keep in contact, that he would need to give me an unconditional apology that assumes responsibility for the way he treated me instead of passing it to me. So, he wrote back and said that he apologized wholeheartedly for his "behavior" and that I am a kind, loving, noble person who never deserved it. What?! How did he change his tune from one day to the next? Manipulation, my friends. Oh, okay so the whole blame you for everything tack isn't sticking? Well how about groveling and complimenting you? Will that work? And how about him apologizing for his "behavior." What does that mean? That means I don't know what I did wrong, but I have another motive so I'll give a blanket apology and hope that covers it. This is what manipulators do. They don't explain their real motives. Instead they interact with others in the way they see best to achieve a desired effect. So, it makes you crazy trying to figure them out because they don't state what they really want. Yeah, I definitely don't need that in my life right now. I haven't even responded to his last e-mail in which I was exhalted on high. No time, energy, or space for this in my life.

Repetition of a Dream

Here's a poem from a book of poems I wrote in junior high called "Repetition of a Dream"
Repetition of a Dream

I swim through a pool of deceit
And sleep in a bed of regret
The ground I walk on withers my feet
Before they have a chance to get wet

I stand on concrete mixed with falsehood
And run on asphalt based on a taunt
If you had the chance to do what you should,
Would you ignore it to do what you want?

I wish on stars that will soon decay
I've wished on stars that were long dead
Everything I have to say
Has somehow already been said

The line "The ground I walk on withers my feet/Before they have a chance to get wet" just kills me. It's just so sad to me now to think of a girl coming of age, who hasn't gotten her feet wet yet and they're already withered. To me, this poem refers to the idea that in an alcoholic family, nothing is as it seems. It's like a house of mirrors. The concrete - the most solid, safe substance for humans is mixed with falsehood in the poem. And the asphalt, another substance strong enough to support our weight is based on a taunt. It's like everywhere I tried to go and stand on as a person couldn't support me, or couldn't be trusted. And then at the end of the poem I just seem resigned. I don't know if I'll ever be able to read these old poems of mine without feeling this sadness.