Ex-Files

So I traded some e-mails with my ex and he explained his negative, nasty behavior during the end of our relationship (and a time when my dad was critically ill) by saying that he was sorry for it and that there was no excuse, but that he treated me that way for "many reasons" which included him feeling that I was being malicious or vindictive towards him.

If you're an ACoA, then you know how easily people can flip your feelings and understandings on their heads. Partly, I think this is because we were often told the way we felt was wrong. Another reason I think is that things were never as they seemed at home. There were secrets the family kept from the outside as well as secrets between members of the family. I found out after my parents divorced that my mom had been married before marrying my dad. My oldest brother got in trouble for selling weed from the public pool he worked at in high school, and I didn't know what he had done until years later. I remember that period of time because my parents were upset and they had many top secret meetings with my brother. The atmosphere was tense and no one told me what was going on. I came to expect that there was more going on than I was aware of in situations and relationships.

So, when my ex said that I was malicious and vindictive, I tried the accusation on to see if it fit. Did I engage in unhealthy behavior with him? Yes. Did I argue and yell and participate in a negative, co-dependent relationship? Sure. But malicious and vindictive are words used to describe a person whose sole motivation is to hurt another. And that certainly does not describe me or my actions towards him. And as long as that's how he perceives me, then I don't need to have any type of contact with him. Why would I want to keep someone in my life who sees me so unclearly?

So, I told him as much. I said that if he wanted to be "friends" or keep in contact, that he would need to give me an unconditional apology that assumes responsibility for the way he treated me instead of passing it to me. So, he wrote back and said that he apologized wholeheartedly for his "behavior" and that I am a kind, loving, noble person who never deserved it. What?! How did he change his tune from one day to the next? Manipulation, my friends. Oh, okay so the whole blame you for everything tack isn't sticking? Well how about groveling and complimenting you? Will that work? And how about him apologizing for his "behavior." What does that mean? That means I don't know what I did wrong, but I have another motive so I'll give a blanket apology and hope that covers it. This is what manipulators do. They don't explain their real motives. Instead they interact with others in the way they see best to achieve a desired effect. So, it makes you crazy trying to figure them out because they don't state what they really want. Yeah, I definitely don't need that in my life right now. I haven't even responded to his last e-mail in which I was exhalted on high. No time, energy, or space for this in my life.