Love again

I see the way you men
look at me
and I get it
You all wanna fuck me
but I just don't have the energy
to keep up with the demands
you make of me
my self worth is
the one thing
you won't take from me

i've been living my life
based on the principle
of scarcity
like conservation
and consumption
are parts of a process
that apply to everything
and that belief blinded the reality
the abundance that abound
and resounds inside me

love is a battlefield
love is a four letter word
love is the saddest story
i ever heard
love is a desert
but also a lake
love is a casting call
for a role you may not want to take

but really, let's be real
since the alternative is to be fake
isn't it possible for your greatest accomplishment
to also be
your greatest mistake?
i tried to keep it inside of me
tied it up so it couldn't leave
and i curled myself up in a ball
afraid that life without love
wouldn't be worth living at all

but... if you love something,
let it go
if you love someone,
fucking let them know
because fuck money
fuck politics
fuck war
love is the only thing
worth loving for

i mean we were spirits
before we had bodies
and we were happy as babies
before we owned anything
and then we learned so many words
we confused how we were meant to feel
so lets just stop to clarify
the sensations that are real

there's hungry
and tired
there's sick
and then love
we're just babies that got bigger
and learned words
we couldn't make sense of

so come,
sit down next to me
rest with me
and then let's make a meal
because love is the only thing
within our power to feel

6/6/10

Today's your birthday
and I wonder if
you felt like me
you used to say
you were born on Doom's Day
did you always feel a little incomplete?

did you feel like you shouldn't have
been born at all?

like no matter what you did
would never be enough
to make you belong?

you were the only one
i thought could possibly understand how I felt
and then I stood
alone and scared
as I watched you
retreat
withdraw
surrender

no explanation would ever
be good enough
for me to understand

because I loved and admired you
big brother

and then you tripped
slipped
off a slippery cliff
I stood shocked -
staring from the precipice
my footing wobbled
I gasped for air
not a clue
what i could possibly do
for me
or
for you

but somehow you survived the crash
all limbs intact
it's been a long, steep climb
from up a deep ravine
it hurt to watch you struggle
I almost wished it could be me

you fought your way
back up to the top
and here you stand
on firm ground
your chest out proud

you are a rare man
who knows the darkness beneath your soul
and how to find your way back

all this time
i spent
racking my brain
dreaming up ways
to help you with your climb

and the thing i never realized
you needed me
just to be
standing, holding your place
so you could see me
and find your way
back to your family

Electricity

My clarity's the only thing
that's not clear
My reality's been getting
a little too real
So stop talking
This isn't a business deal
I don't have to negotiate with you
For the right to how I feel
I said sit down
and shut the fuck up
I'm the one giving orders today
While you drive me around
in my pink garbage truck
picking up pieces
of what I'm about to say

You're a man
I'm an army
So please just get out of my way
If you thought you could destroy me
employ me to stay
You saw me walking on a tightrope
and thought that was my big plan
a thin string to stand on
what you failed to see
was the intricate web that hung below me
you see
I can't fail
or fall through
or ever go hungry
because of the love that I've found
is all around me
surrounds me with its
sparkling intensity
a force field of strength
fortifying me

And the real reason
you failed to see
this massive power grid plugging into me
sadly
is because you cannot feel
love's
subtle
divine
electricity

5/24/10

It's just me again
finding my way
in my own body
I thought it was a desert
and I was dying
of thirst
but now i know
it's the Caribbean Sea
that's inside of me

pure blue water flows through my veins
my bones are fine white sand
My heart used to be
my own worst enemy
a sea anemone
and I had claws for hands

but now my heart's a starfish
sunbathing on a rock
and what used to be my clenched fist
is opening to God

maybe i believed
the tale that i had spun
a fish out of water
frying in the sun
doomed to an eternity
of gasping "marco"
to no reply
yanked from one world
to another
just to die

but then there was a river
and then it was a lake
and then it flooded over
and i realized my mistake

i've been floating in the waters
of my very own sea
coarsing through my veins
the true version of me

Untitled - 5/9/10

When is a house not a home?
When will your archive be complete?
Is this a snapshot
or a memoir...
How do you know
you're not obsolete?

have you been here
gripping your bowels
gritting your teeth
all you need to do is
stop

let gravity do
what you've been trying to defy
the fear the grips
and clenches you
does nothing to help you survive

it's easy to pretend
that it was watching over you
it felt like a close friend -
one it's time that you outgrew

nobody has the right
to dominate you
ignore your best intentions
tell you what to do

it's time to say goodbye
even close friends move away
or sometimes just move on
when there's no need to stay

Untitled 5/9/10

It's the month of May again
but I'm chilled to the bone
the wind is making a scene outside
and I'm watching from in here alone

I could have left the house today
but I chose to let my body rest
my mind's been running marathons
my heart's been pounding in my chest

i had to slow the whole thing down
and focus on what I know
I'm alive and sane
enough food in the fridge to last
until summer
and I'm finding my way

I'm fortunate
I'm blessed
with the lot in life I have
and sometimes it takes time
to regroup and attack

Untitled - 5/18/10

I got wrapped up
in another insanity
another man's plan
but once again,
I found me

I am mine
and mine alone
not a child
or a waitress
or a shiny toy you own

I have organs,
tissues
and bones
I come from the water
and I never walk alone

I'm a heat
from my belly
I won't be overthrown
You've been trying
to tempt me
I'm not your dog
or a bone

I'm a daughter
and a sister
with a purpose
and a place
My ancestors were Vikings
see the scars on my face?

I've had visions of my Future
and it sparkles like the sun
you're a mere mortal
and my journey's just begun

I'm the mother of a world
you won't even see in dreams
I'm pregnant with a fate
that's hard to be believed

and you are just one step
on my path from here to there
so don't forget your role
and I won't forget to share

Untitled - 5/22/10 and 5/23/10

Today's your birthday
I used to think
you were born
to protect me
you made me
a canopy bed
of blue and white checkers
and I remember what you said
that the sheet that hung
from up above me
was there to protect me
from all the bad things outside
getting in
and i believed
truly believed

never felt so deceived
so utterly lied to
like the strength of one man
was enough to rely on
I lay there in awe
as one by one
my demons surrounded me
held me down
and raped me
in the very same bed
built for safekeeping
slipped through the checkered net
leaving blue bruises on my neck
it was easy to blame you
for the mess

Finally, I took it down
declared myself
a big girl now
If there are any demons out to get me
then I want to see
them coming.

It's the day
after your birthday
and this time I remembered
I've been your daughter
your mother
your wife
you needed so much help
and yet it didn't help at all,
did it?

Some things are just too painful
to face
it hurt so much
for so long
i didn't even notice anymore
going through life
an open sore
i've had you and lost you
you've loved me,
then stopped
you protected me
until I got hurt
and then gave me the blame
turning on me
you changed the game
became
someone else
and now look at me-
i need your help

we're on this planet
at the very same time
and after all of our near misses
here we are - still alive
so there's a reason you're here
and i am too
instead of you protecting me
maybe it's meant to be
me protecting you

Silence - 1/10

Silence is a sound
that only some can hear
it's a language
and a moan
it's the memory of fear
it isn't golden
or bronzed
sometimes it isn't even true
it isn't glittered or adorned
but it's a promise that i made to you

it's the torn up bits of paper
it's my secret shining through
and i'm glaring with my eyes
to get this one thing out of you
i've met people who were strangers
until they shared my point of view
i'm the child of my mother
and that is always true

A memory - written today

That's just the smell
of rotting wood
and a memory
from childhood
we used to run
out to the creek
catching tadpoles
in a mystery world
it was magical and beautiful
it was the only place
that wanted me

I wanted to live there
in the boughs of a tree
that held me firmly
in its embrace
never pushing me away
I nailed 3 boards
to a branch
before abandoning my plan
my 8-year-old hands
didn't yet have the skill
to construct a home from scratch
and when I went out
to the creek to play
those crooked boards
stared down at me
mocking me
in my inability
to construct my own
reality

Untitle 4/5/02 (At 19)

The lights were blinking
I put down my cup
I ran outside quickly
I thought I'd throw up
someone said something
that made my friend laugh
he filled up his cup
and asked her to dance
the girls were being girls
while the boys were being boys
and something spoke to me
amidst all the noise
like the lights all stopped
and the people all dropped
and a new revelation escaped
we're utterly confined
by the molds in our mind
so let's fucking get out of this place

This was written in college and just illustrates how different I felt then and always have. It's getting better now though. I don't feel like an outsider in social situations anymore.

Flame (at 13 or 14)

From behind a rainy window
My thoughts turning to the streetlight
I desperately search for you
Eyes skimming beneath the bright

The string connecting us just snapped
Flinging backwards, it stung my face
Wishing you were a chalkboard
and with a swipe you'd be erased

Has anyone ever told you people are real?
Not just pawns in your personal chess game
I hope someday you learn how to feel
So it burns like hell when you go up in a
Flame

My dad - reflecting on the last 12 months

It's been almost a year since my dad was hospitalized. May will mark the one year anniversary of me beginning recovery. I spent a lot of the last year feeling sorry for myself and resenting my lot in life. I think it was something I had to go through and I'm happy to report that I really feel like I'm coming out of the other side of it. I was so focused on all the things I didn't have or never had growing up, that I wasn't seeing all the amazing blessings in my life. For one, my dad is alive and getting better everyday. He's going to visit my brother next week in Nevada, which is something he never did when he was drinking. He called me to say he wants to come out and visit me next. I started crying after I get off the phone because he was never able to plan and actually make the trip.

I feel blessed by the people and friends who have given me support through all of the drama the last year. I really know who my friends are now and who I can turn to, and having that knowledge is a gift.

Blessed to have me... I am proud of myself and that through it all I've come out of this so much stronger. I know if I can handle the events of the last year, I can handle what else life has in store for me. And I take comfort in knowing that most of the years ahead of me won't be as bad as the year that is now finally behind me. I see myself in a positive light for the first time. I never realized how negative my relationship with myself was and now I'm going much easier on me. I can laugh at myself and pat myself on the back instead of always feeling like I'm coming up short somehow. I respect myself now. I made an appointment with my boss last week and told him very clearly how certain aspects of my job were just not working for me. I stood up to him and stood my ground. Ultimately, even if I don't get what I'm asking for, I'm so proud of myself for vocalizing my needs.

I can finally see that this last year, as painful and intense as it was, has had some very positive and amazing effects on me and my life.

"I thank my lucky stars everyday for indoor plumbing." - The Blow finding blessings in everyday life

Untitled - 3/15/02 (At 19)

but the mud inside my head
doesn't seem to come out
when you're reaching through my ear
squeeze until i shout
wring it till i cry
numb me with the pain
make your presence known
leave your imprint on my brain
sometimes i don't know
what it is i vocalize
the path from brain to mouth
becomes this compromise
so why not go ahead
open me up and look around
cause that's what i mean
that's how i feel
and that's our common ground

It used to be a lot harder for me to identify my feelings and then to express them verbally. but it is getting easier for me now. It's not exactly second nature, but I find my reactions popping out of my mouth a lot quicker, which is a good thing for me.

Snowfall - 2009

Snowfall is so silent
it deafens the ears
as its solitude descends
the landscape disappears

it's nothing like
the pitter patter of the rain
the splish splash
or the
rat a tat tat
on the window pane

if it didn't erase
everything it touched
we wouldn't even know
what came down while we were sleeping
slippery
silent
snow

Instinct - 2/4/10

then there's just one thing
i'm sure i never knew
but here we are in 2010
so where does that leave you?

i've been pretending like
leaving you
didn't feel like rejection
i've been hiding in the shadow
of hurt and deception

i'm a woman scorned
and a woman burned
and running from that house ablaze
was no act of consciousness
or strength
or pride
that was instinct
saving my life

You Say - written today

you say
I can hear the street traffic from your window
the skidding tires
the raucous horns
the growl of the accelerator
I say
well i'm just glad to know
i'm not the only one
going somewhere

you say
I can hear a baby screaming
in the apartment next door
wailing and moaning
I feel vibrations in the floor
I say
well it’s nice to know
I’m not the only one
who cries

you say
I can see the remnants of other people’s days
when I walk down your street
bare chicken wing bones
used metrocards
sunflower seed shells
I say
well there’s the proof
that we are alive

you say
people in this town don’t walk
they run
and more often than not
it’s into me
or over me
I say
that’s science
atoms and particles collide
to make life

you say
I don’t know how you do it
I could never live the life you lead
I say
I like knowing other people live in this world
aside from me

Back to the Blog

I've been away from the blog and away from the country. I got back from being away but haven't wrapped my head around getting back to my life and the blog. I'll be posting some new things in coming days and weeks. I've been doing a lot of thinking and self reflecting and sometimes it's best not to share that internal work. Anyway, back now and will be sharing some new writings soon, but here's an old one for now.

The Crowd 7/22/99 (at 17)

Here is what
they need...
sharp smiles, angular at best,
in the crowd a subtle jeer,
a bad joke,
another hot towel to drape over
their eyes
a clique to base an identity upon
i want
them
want them to see
how much they will not mean to me.