Untitled - written on the back of a playbill 2002 (At 20)

smoked a cigarette
a man told me it's 12:22
sitting with my head in my hands
and nothing left to do

i'm waiting for the bus now
it seems i always wait for something
and this is just one day -
another way to wait for you

oh i can talk -
i can tell myself what I want to hear
and I know how to believe it too
but that doesn't change
or preordain
the reality that still surrounds you

now something is hurting
and somewhere i'm sure you know you're hurting too
and that to me is a just a luxury
of people with plenty of clothes,
enough to eat, and a heaping,
steaming portion of tv

so i'll just go (just so you know)
this is how i feel
everything is wasted and
you just may have tasted
the only thing that's real

we never really are returned
all the things we give
if that's the way life goes,
then that's the way i'm forced to live

Now that I'm reading Co-Dependent No More, I see this poem from a different perspective. The last stanza about giving is such a co-de thing - to give and give and give and give and then resent that it never comes back around. This poem was about this guy that I had an on and off thing with in college. He had a girlfriend who went to school out of the area. We used to spend a lot of time together and I hung out with him and his friends - unless the girlfriend came to visit, and then I wouldn't hear from him until she left. In retrospect, I let my feelings and expectations get all tangled up in this guy who firstly, wasn't faithful, and who secondly, called all the shots. If he wanted to see me, I was there. If his girlfriend was around, I disappeared for him and never said anything to him about it when it was my turn again.

I'm trying not to judge my former selves, because I know that's not going to be productive. But sometimes I think of these things and feel disappointed or ashamed at myself for not stepping up more. But I guess it's hard to have boundaries and self respect without being taught it at home or by a community of people who have gone through it. At least I have the latter.