End of the Century 12/15/09

It's the end of another century
and now you know my name
I'm offering a memory
that never looks the same
and in my heart
I locked it up
so I would never see
I've lived in fear
but now I know
that wasn't really me

I can be calm in confusion
still in a storm
if that's what I choose to do
I've learned to respond
in so many ways
without responding to you

I wrote this poem this week and it touches on something I've talked about with a friend. 2009 has been crazy and painful in so many ways for me. Hands down the worst year yet, but hitting my bottom brought me to Al-Anon and recovery, so I can't discount the merits of the year. But at a particularly low point, I was tempted to go with F.E.A.R. (Fuck Everything and Run). My family was having all kinds of drama, I was unhappy at work, I had to find a new apartment and I wasn't in a relationship for the first time in a while. I told a friend I wanted to pick up and move to Spain or travel the world. He said something very wise.

He said, If that's what you choose to do because it's right for you to take that action, then I will totally support you. But if you're doing this as a reaction to what's happening, then I don't think it's the right move for you. I've been thinking a lot about the difference between acting and reacting. I've lived most of my life reacting to situations around me, and being passive when there was nothing to react to. Now, I'm seeing that I have choices and control in my own life. I recently initiated a conversation to discuss changes I wanted to make at work with my boss and I got a raise! Instead of skipping the country for good, I opted out of spending Christmas with the family and am headed to Australia and the warmth instead. It's still very scary for me- acting and being active in my own life, but I must say it feels really great too.