Phone - written at 16

You called today
and it hurt a little less
to hang up the phone
with the wire connecting us

Yeah, I still threw it down
after you hung up,
but I got over it quickly
got a drink of water,
thought of someone else.

I thought of someone else.
But it wasn't the same,
because it wasn't you
And after I've tallied the
count of terrible deeds that
you've committed,
I still hope
hope that you will call.

And after I recover
from all of your abuse,
I still long for the hurt.

And maybe one day I'll be ok
maybe I'll be happy alone
But that day isn't today
and I'm still waiting, staring at the phone

I wrote this poem about my first real boyfriend in high school, after we broke up. I file this under the "repeating the cycle" category. Children and adult children of alcholics will continue to seek out unavailable partners for romantic relationships unless they recover. Until I realized my own habits and tendencies and where they came from, I was unable to stop myself from the allure of unavailable people. I can't say that I've fully changed my wiring, because I'm still very attracted to aloof or unavailable people, but at least I recognize it now and can understand where it comes from and why it's not good for me.

I think this attraction comes from the need to win acceptance that started at home. My alcoholic father and co-dependent mother taught me that love was not unconditional, and that it had to be earned. I grew up trying to win their approval in various ways. I assumed the responsibility for making them love me and figured if they were angry or not giving me what I needed, that I had to try harder or adjust my behavior. In the past, when men have showed me attention and affection, it has been a turn-off for me, because I've felt that it shouldn't be so easy to get people to care for me. This whole thought process is very sick and destructive, but I know that there are many people like me, and that gives me comfort. Now I am able to deconstruct it, look at it honestly, and ultimately re-wire my programming.