Nature and I (at 12)

I speak to the stars
And laugh with the sky
I dine with the planets
People wonder why
I express my feelings to the moon
And turn my back on the sun
People wonder why
I explain that it's fun
I listen to the soil
And embrace the trees
People wonder why
I am friends with the seas
I lunch with the flowers
And brunch with the clouds
I have special powers
People wonder why
I console the dust
and reminisce with the sky
I cry with myself
No one wonders why

Daddy 5-7-98 (at 15)

I pushed my hand inside my mouth
wondering what would come out
you threw me up against a wall
said I'd no respect at all

The Story of Me (at 12)

Me
a question
an answer
a being
living and
loving
hoping
wishing

Me
a word
a definition
a meaning
wondering and
wandering
questioning
realizing

Me
a life
a death
a span
passing and
asking
leaving
regretting

Me
a book
a movie
a novel
pages and
cages
in my life

Golden Doors

Just got back from visiting my family in California... saw my dad for the first time since he left the hospital. He's moving very slowly, but he's walking with a walker and able to maintain a conversation just fine. He still has his sense of humor and remembers everything perfectly clearly, so I'm grateful for that. He said that when he was in the hospital, he remembered a room with golden doors and they were calling him from behind the doors, saying it was his turn. He refused to go in the room. He was curious to find out what was behind the doors, but at the same time he didn't want to know. I'm glad I was able to visit with my dad and hear about his fascinating near death experience. I told him I thought he was still here for a reason, and he agreed. He said he was thinking about going to AA meetings, which would be great because he's basically a dry drunk right now.

I retrieved more of my books of poems and journal entries from home, so I think my collection here in New York is now complete. I have more writings to share from my experiences growing up in an alcoholic home now and will be posting some in the coming weeks.

Bonfire - 8/3/09

I was huddled in the corner
teeth chattering
white eyes
terrified of what I know
but mystified

I've been battling my demons
on all fronts
I invited them to tea
I invited them to leave
I want to hear what I want

Somewhere I knew
what I needed
but no one showed me how
the desire just receded
and I just shut my mouth

Time stacks the regrets
like rotting corpses in your heart
and you have to inhale the stench
before the bonfire starts

Embrace - 7/30/09

i was laying on the floor
and in the corner, huddled
a little girl
dirt on her cheeks
tangled hair
hiding something
between her hands
clutching desperately
didn't want anyone to see

a dirty, tattered ragdoll
i went to swipe that dreadful thing
right out of her hands
her girlish grip
would not loosen
white knuckles
bared her teeth
i tugged
she pulled
heels grinding into the ground
i let go
her black eyes bore back at me

this creature
so sad,
so set on holding on
to this faded toy
maybe it's the only one she has
maybe it's the only one she's ever had
i open my arms
to offer a hug
she opens hers to me
and the doll falls from her hands
embrace

Too Far - written in junior high (at 11-13)

Water clouding my clear eyes
The weather to match my mood
And now I guess I realize
That this whole world is screwed

When you can't tell
The difference between your tears
And the cold raindrops streaming down your face
You know it's gone too far

When you can't tell
The difference between
Your friends and enemies
They must be make-believe

And you, a dim shadow
Beneath a dim, dying light
Might want to know
That I cried for you tonight