Pretended Concern (at 12-13)

Everyone thinks they know
Everyone thinks they see
All that is jaded
All that is shaded
When they can't find
Their own key

All of them want to believe
All of them pretend to care
About my stain
About my pain
Or anything
that lingers there

No one understands
No one really cares to
Set me free
Let me be
What you have done
You cannot undo.

Untitled - written 10/6/09

feel the things you need to feel
acknowledge them to make them real
it's the only way they'll go away
or else they sit and stain and stay
look them in the eyes
and tell them what they are
they need to be identified
they need some sort of mark
and then you'll find
they'll be on their way
and you can rest assured
nobody wants
what nobody saves
and now your life is yours

Stardust (at 12-13)

Swimming in the moonlight
of a purple sky
I wish I may I wish I might
Sprout wings to the heavens I'll fly

Star light, star bright
I want to soar
Above my fright
An open door
Closing the night
Don't die now
I need your light
Into the aquamarine
I will take flight
I will be seen
yet out of sight
The blue abyss
Amidst the night
A gentle kiss
From the clouds snuggling tight
Make me a new day
Bring me into the light
I wish I may I wish I might
Have the wish I wish tonight

A line that strikes me from this poem is "I will be seen/Yet out of sight" because I've been thinking about that idea lately as I'm remembering my relationship with attention as a child. Attention wasn't a good thing in my house, so I tried to avoid it. If my parents' focus was on me, I was in trouble. So instead, when I got home, I went straight to my room and closed the door from a very young age. My mom used to say that I could entertain myself for hours even as a young girl. She never had to do anything to keep me busy.

But the funny thing is I would lock myself up in my room, stay out of everyone's way, and daydream about being the center of attention - whether it was being a princess or an actress or an award-winning author. I wanted so desperately to be seen, and to get some positive attention, but since that wasn't available at home, I isolated myself from everyone, yet dreamed of being connected. So the line "I will be seen/Yet out of sight" really resonates with me, now that I understand exactly what I meant by that.

Living Under Betrayal's Roof 1996 (at 12-13)

Spoiling me to shut me up
Whose fault is it anyway?
Are you sorry you ever met?
If you could, would you erase that day?

Do you wish we hadn't happened?
Or that we were dead?
Because it seems likely
According to what you've said

Disease inflicts our happy family
Invading any bliss
That lingers here
That now exists

We fade into a picture
That captures futile relations
Is neither black nor white
Ingnoring the posative sensations

Note: Typos have been included to preserve original form.

This was written the summer before I started high school - in 1996. That was the summer my parents separated before they divorced.

A friend 8/2009

A friend
is not
a threat or
curse
a bullet or
a rose

A friend
is not
a prophet or shrink
a psychic
who just knows

A friend
is not
a tearful smile
a hand or
a mouth

A friend
is not
a promise or
oath
a secret you found out

A net
a warmth
a steel pole
that runs through your core
from head to toe
suspended between the earth and sky
a friend doesn't end
she keeps you alive

Spowlil (at 12)

Eternal pillows
Floating Freely
The feathers slip out
and fly away
Eac feather a soul
Being lost on its way
I am one of those
I falsely believe
We are none of those
I comprehend sheepishly
The feathers are flying souls
that have reached their destiny
Flying souls
that have been set free

Motorcycle Meditation 8/2009

It's a motorcycle meditation
on a still and pleasant day
the way the engine growls and stirs
my head responds in foreign ways

I've seen you on this street before
slouching by with head in hands
didn't anyone tell you
not just anyone can understand?

There's a breeze now in the park
it carries a message from me to you
just as your hair starts to stir
you feel the meaning seeping through

I spelled it out with cheerios
and left it on your table
you say that faith will bring us closer
but I don't believe I'm able