Untitle 4/5/02 (At 19)

The lights were blinking
I put down my cup
I ran outside quickly
I thought I'd throw up
someone said something
that made my friend laugh
he filled up his cup
and asked her to dance
the girls were being girls
while the boys were being boys
and something spoke to me
amidst all the noise
like the lights all stopped
and the people all dropped
and a new revelation escaped
we're utterly confined
by the molds in our mind
so let's fucking get out of this place

This was written in college and just illustrates how different I felt then and always have. It's getting better now though. I don't feel like an outsider in social situations anymore.

Untitled - written 1/20/1997 (At 14)

So much emotion,
so many pleasures,
that i can't feel
because they cancelled
each other out,
and i wanted them
but couldn't take
needed them,
for my sake.

This poem was written when I was 14, but it reminds me of something that happenned when I was in college. I lived in the dorms the freshman year and then sophomore year I signed up to live with 3 other friends in on-campus apartments. There was a tight lottery system because there were far more students than apartments. We got an early pick, but we wanted one of the best apartments on campus, with views of the canyon. When it was our turn to choose, we didn't know if our pick would be taken. The moderator of this whole process announced that it was available and my 3 girl friends started screeching with joy and jumping up and down. I stood there watching them, perplexed. One of my friends exclaimed, "Aren't you excited?" And I said yes, but I'm not sure that I really was. That unabashed, girlish enthusiasm is not something that I expressed as a child, so it certainly doesn't come easily to me as an adult.

I think I protect myself from getting too excited about things because I have a sense that anything good could so easily be taken away. I've always described myself as "chill" or able to go with the flow - no high highs or low lows - just even. Now I'm learning being able to go with the flow isn't always a good thing, especially when the "flow" is unhealthy. So much unlearning to do...