Love again

I see the way you men
look at me
and I get it
You all wanna fuck me
but I just don't have the energy
to keep up with the demands
you make of me
my self worth is
the one thing
you won't take from me

i've been living my life
based on the principle
of scarcity
like conservation
and consumption
are parts of a process
that apply to everything
and that belief blinded the reality
the abundance that abound
and resounds inside me

love is a battlefield
love is a four letter word
love is the saddest story
i ever heard
love is a desert
but also a lake
love is a casting call
for a role you may not want to take

but really, let's be real
since the alternative is to be fake
isn't it possible for your greatest accomplishment
to also be
your greatest mistake?
i tried to keep it inside of me
tied it up so it couldn't leave
and i curled myself up in a ball
afraid that life without love
wouldn't be worth living at all

but... if you love something,
let it go
if you love someone,
fucking let them know
because fuck money
fuck politics
fuck war
love is the only thing
worth loving for

i mean we were spirits
before we had bodies
and we were happy as babies
before we owned anything
and then we learned so many words
we confused how we were meant to feel
so lets just stop to clarify
the sensations that are real

there's hungry
and tired
there's sick
and then love
we're just babies that got bigger
and learned words
we couldn't make sense of

so come,
sit down next to me
rest with me
and then let's make a meal
because love is the only thing
within our power to feel

Electricity

My clarity's the only thing
that's not clear
My reality's been getting
a little too real
So stop talking
This isn't a business deal
I don't have to negotiate with you
For the right to how I feel
I said sit down
and shut the fuck up
I'm the one giving orders today
While you drive me around
in my pink garbage truck
picking up pieces
of what I'm about to say

You're a man
I'm an army
So please just get out of my way
If you thought you could destroy me
employ me to stay
You saw me walking on a tightrope
and thought that was my big plan
a thin string to stand on
what you failed to see
was the intricate web that hung below me
you see
I can't fail
or fall through
or ever go hungry
because of the love that I've found
is all around me
surrounds me with its
sparkling intensity
a force field of strength
fortifying me

And the real reason
you failed to see
this massive power grid plugging into me
sadly
is because you cannot feel
love's
subtle
divine
electricity

Untitled - 5/9/10

When is a house not a home?
When will your archive be complete?
Is this a snapshot
or a memoir...
How do you know
you're not obsolete?

have you been here
gripping your bowels
gritting your teeth
all you need to do is
stop

let gravity do
what you've been trying to defy
the fear the grips
and clenches you
does nothing to help you survive

it's easy to pretend
that it was watching over you
it felt like a close friend -
one it's time that you outgrew

nobody has the right
to dominate you
ignore your best intentions
tell you what to do

it's time to say goodbye
even close friends move away
or sometimes just move on
when there's no need to stay

Untitled 5/9/10

It's the month of May again
but I'm chilled to the bone
the wind is making a scene outside
and I'm watching from in here alone

I could have left the house today
but I chose to let my body rest
my mind's been running marathons
my heart's been pounding in my chest

i had to slow the whole thing down
and focus on what I know
I'm alive and sane
enough food in the fridge to last
until summer
and I'm finding my way

I'm fortunate
I'm blessed
with the lot in life I have
and sometimes it takes time
to regroup and attack

Untitled - 5/18/10

I got wrapped up
in another insanity
another man's plan
but once again,
I found me

I am mine
and mine alone
not a child
or a waitress
or a shiny toy you own

I have organs,
tissues
and bones
I come from the water
and I never walk alone

I'm a heat
from my belly
I won't be overthrown
You've been trying
to tempt me
I'm not your dog
or a bone

I'm a daughter
and a sister
with a purpose
and a place
My ancestors were Vikings
see the scars on my face?

I've had visions of my Future
and it sparkles like the sun
you're a mere mortal
and my journey's just begun

I'm the mother of a world
you won't even see in dreams
I'm pregnant with a fate
that's hard to be believed

and you are just one step
on my path from here to there
so don't forget your role
and I won't forget to share

Untitled - 5/22/10 and 5/23/10

Today's your birthday
I used to think
you were born
to protect me
you made me
a canopy bed
of blue and white checkers
and I remember what you said
that the sheet that hung
from up above me
was there to protect me
from all the bad things outside
getting in
and i believed
truly believed

never felt so deceived
so utterly lied to
like the strength of one man
was enough to rely on
I lay there in awe
as one by one
my demons surrounded me
held me down
and raped me
in the very same bed
built for safekeeping
slipped through the checkered net
leaving blue bruises on my neck
it was easy to blame you
for the mess

Finally, I took it down
declared myself
a big girl now
If there are any demons out to get me
then I want to see
them coming.

It's the day
after your birthday
and this time I remembered
I've been your daughter
your mother
your wife
you needed so much help
and yet it didn't help at all,
did it?

Some things are just too painful
to face
it hurt so much
for so long
i didn't even notice anymore
going through life
an open sore
i've had you and lost you
you've loved me,
then stopped
you protected me
until I got hurt
and then gave me the blame
turning on me
you changed the game
became
someone else
and now look at me-
i need your help

we're on this planet
at the very same time
and after all of our near misses
here we are - still alive
so there's a reason you're here
and i am too
instead of you protecting me
maybe it's meant to be
me protecting you

Snowfall - 2009

Snowfall is so silent
it deafens the ears
as its solitude descends
the landscape disappears

it's nothing like
the pitter patter of the rain
the splish splash
or the
rat a tat tat
on the window pane

if it didn't erase
everything it touched
we wouldn't even know
what came down while we were sleeping
slippery
silent
snow

Strong - 12/14/09

this is a poem about me
i'm alive
and i know it
i feel it in my veins
i'm busy and tired
but never more sane
i'm excited and ready
for action or pain
cause whatever is coming
won't get in my way

this is my life
and the hand i was dealt
was meant for me
so i must be at least as strong
as I need
as strong as it takes to live
the life I lead

Untitled 12/14/09

I'm tired of feeling tortured
and feeling alone
the pathways to my brain
are sensations I can own
and redirect
or intercept
until they find another home
but I can't keep giving solace
to thoughts I can't condone

End of the Century 12/15/09

It's the end of another century
and now you know my name
I'm offering a memory
that never looks the same
and in my heart
I locked it up
so I would never see
I've lived in fear
but now I know
that wasn't really me

I can be calm in confusion
still in a storm
if that's what I choose to do
I've learned to respond
in so many ways
without responding to you

I wrote this poem this week and it touches on something I've talked about with a friend. 2009 has been crazy and painful in so many ways for me. Hands down the worst year yet, but hitting my bottom brought me to Al-Anon and recovery, so I can't discount the merits of the year. But at a particularly low point, I was tempted to go with F.E.A.R. (Fuck Everything and Run). My family was having all kinds of drama, I was unhappy at work, I had to find a new apartment and I wasn't in a relationship for the first time in a while. I told a friend I wanted to pick up and move to Spain or travel the world. He said something very wise.

He said, If that's what you choose to do because it's right for you to take that action, then I will totally support you. But if you're doing this as a reaction to what's happening, then I don't think it's the right move for you. I've been thinking a lot about the difference between acting and reacting. I've lived most of my life reacting to situations around me, and being passive when there was nothing to react to. Now, I'm seeing that I have choices and control in my own life. I recently initiated a conversation to discuss changes I wanted to make at work with my boss and I got a raise! Instead of skipping the country for good, I opted out of spending Christmas with the family and am headed to Australia and the warmth instead. It's still very scary for me- acting and being active in my own life, but I must say it feels really great too.

Wagons of a Different Sort - written at 12 or 13

What is this
What does it mean
in this bliss
Have you come clean
I can't say
I know of what
Bring will this day
Your openings shut
"No illegal shit"
And I heard your lie
Enemies telling it
You used to cry
Stop or die

I've been thinking a lot about my brother, "John." He started using when he was 13, went to rehab by 16 and finally joined the army at 25 as a way of getting clean. I've thought a lot about how my dad's addiction affected me, but now I'm realizing how much John's addiction affected me as well. He got a letter last week from the army recalling him, and he has orders to report in a month and deploy to Iraq. It was totally unexpected. He is going to school, has a wife and son and another baby on the way, so this news was devastating to all of us.

He asked me to write a letter on his behalf stating that he is the only one in the family that can take care of my dad, so that he can get out of these orders. As I sat there writing this letter, which is basically a lie, because I've done more than anyone to care for my dad, I had a deja vu moment. I had a memory of being in high school and forging a doctor's note for him to take to court. I've been trying to help him get out of things his entire life - lying for him and enabling him. Although this situation is slightly different, it felt oddly familiar. I am okay with writing this particular letter because I disagree with the Army's policy of recalling soldiers who have completed their service, but I am not consumed with pity for my brother. He chose to join the Army in the middle of a war rather than go to rehab, and this is one of the unintended consequences. I'll write this letter and hope for the best for him and his family, but I don't have to let the burden of this drag me down. I have a choice in how I react and respond to crisis. Here's a poem I wrote on the subway last week after getting the news that John had orders for Iraq:

I guess I'm more in tune
when I'm alone
like the waves from my brain
are a product I can own
This world is senseless
It changes all the time
from misery to suffering
from pitiful to blind
I can't keep riding these waves
Hoping they crash on some shore
I can't crawl out of the pit
I dug myself in anymore

I'm tired I'm wasted
As I'm sure you can see
Tearstained eyes, a meek smile
are all that's left of me
I don't feel that I have
More blood left to spare
It's all been spilled
It's overfilled
the test tubes of despair
Like some vengeful leech
Just can't get enough of me
Like he's getting off
on my endless misery
So I'll just drag my carcass home
Lock the doors and cry
Crisis will come knocking
But I'll offer no reply

Not belong - written 12/4/09

Do you ever feel
like you must just not belong
like the day that you were born
was a moment that went wrong?

Like every step you take
isn't yours to claim
like any move you make
could never justify your name?

The people who surround you
somehow earned this time and place
but you float up above them
consuming air
and wasting space

I've been thinking about this "terminal uniqueness" that we discussed in an Al-Anon meeting a few months ago. All of us felt that we were unique, isolated, different from everyone else. And sometimes from that perspective, it seems like everyone else is different because they are happy or lucky.

I'm trying to break out of that mold of thinking and come to understand that others have their problems too, and that when I feel different, I isolate myself from others and it becomes a self-perpetuating state. Others may think that I'm snobby or too good for them because I keep people away sometimes, but the reality is that I don't think I'm good enough in some way and that's why I do it. I've been better at reaching out to friends and saying yes to them since starting recovery. Last night I even said yes to someone who invited me to do a solo dance in the middle of a circle in African Dance class! When you say yes to people who have invited you into something, you build connections, trust, and break out of isolation.

All Out - written 12/7/09

Just go all out
balls out
before you go

Let them be the ones
to tell you no

Untitled - 12/4/09

everytime you touch me
i disappear
my heart leaves my body
it feels insincere

like this moment was
faked or staged
like this was a plan
and not a promise you made

and what is it you're hiding
behind your cryptic eyes?
what is it you're holding?
your hands run me over,
constructing alibis

is it nature or nurture
that gets in the way?
you call me here, you pull me near
and then you pull away

When I started reading about ACoAs, I found it interesting how we form our ideas about love. We learn love from our family, and however love was expressed is how we come to understand it. And in an alcoholic family, love is expressed in very strange ways. I always knew that my parents loved me, but then they often didn't want to be bothered with me, and they sometimes put me down and pushed me away. So, that dynamic is how I came to understand love - a push and pull. I sought out other people who shared my idea of love and predictably, it's always ended in disaster. I'm trying to re-define love for myself and seek out others who have a healthier understanding of it as well in my friendships, and ultimately in a romantic relationship.

The Trip Home 11/26/09

Is that all I am to you?
Something to react against?
Someone to stand up to
And exercise your self defense?

I'm looking forward
to the time it takes to get somewhere
I'll be there tomorrow
to give you the time it takes to prepare

I'm a long way from home
Living alone
Way out on the other side
of the country
the moon
the day
and you
It's the best place I've found to hide

I'm not excited but I'm not scared
of the trip I'm about to take
I'm not running but I'm not hiding
And I can't say I've made a mistake

Untitled - 11/19/09

i guess it's a talent of mine
knowing what it is people want me to say
and i guess it's just a habit now
once i sense a preference, i have to obey
i can be the one you love
if that's all i have to say
i can be that girl you fuck
like acting cool will make it ok
like forcing an action
could create the feeling
like reading the lines
will provide the meaning
i just need someone
to rub my belly
and scratch my back
read me a story
draw me a bath
cause I'm tired of
figuring out how I feel
so soap me up,
dry me off
and cook me a hot meal

Invocation - 6/1/09

I'm already ready for a better next year
I'm already clearing the way
Hope is a feeling, but not only that
It's what gets me through the day

Untitled - 11/6/09

i'd just like to say
that i know how you feel
how your mind can take you
where your feet can't
when you're face down
on the ground
it can give you a pillow
for your head
to soften the blow
your brain doesn't even
have to know
just keep marching
through a dreary haze
live in imagined
better days
or crawl out
of your symbiotic ways
i want to speak
but love
doesn't learn
it's a prescribed
self-destructive
girl

Untitled 11/6/09

Someone broke the door down
and then something rolled in
a ball
or a bomb
a balloon
they'll all pop one day

i'm taking off the layer of clothes
i used to wear for you
undoing the knots and bows
that used to so please you

and the flush on my face
has faded to white
i'm sure you wouldn't know
that my sparkling eyes
have turned quite flat
as has my unearthly glow

i'm a mere shadow of
the woman i was
shivering in the cold
my body is boney
my throat is sore
and let's face it - i'm getting old

i see pain wherever i go
like some some sort of heat censored light
people disagree
when i say what i've seen
but deep down i know that i'm right

it's not the same world
i saw with you
the one i see clearly now
it's dark and broken
with dreams all askew
and bitterly run to the ground

the dust of the hope
i once had for you
settles now on the shelf
and a damp musty scent
of cigarettes and booze
from the days when you haunted
yourself

no it's not the same world
i woke up in
that night when i slept in my bed
and you slept across town
in yours
wondering what it was you had said

Cold Out 10/26/09

This must be a second coming
you must be the one
won't you take my number?
i'll sing you a song
we can go on our way

i've been braiding a
crown of thorns
just waiting for someone like you
now it's time you tried on
the apparel i've constructed you

i can't even keep up
with the things that need
to be done in a day
i'm afraid i'm exhausted
by just waking up
nevermind
finding
a role to play

i'm sure there's a way
i don't have the will
to try to find something real
if it wasn't so cold out
maybe i'd join you
and maybe you'd see how i feel