Flame (at 13 or 14)

From behind a rainy window
My thoughts turning to the streetlight
I desperately search for you
Eyes skimming beneath the bright

The string connecting us just snapped
Flinging backwards, it stung my face
Wishing you were a chalkboard
and with a swipe you'd be erased

Has anyone ever told you people are real?
Not just pawns in your personal chess game
I hope someday you learn how to feel
So it burns like hell when you go up in a
Flame

Daddy 5-7-98 (at 15)

I pushed my hand inside my mouth
wondering what would come out
you threw me up against a wall
said I'd no respect at all

Too Far - written in junior high (at 11-13)

Water clouding my clear eyes
The weather to match my mood
And now I guess I realize
That this whole world is screwed

When you can't tell
The difference between your tears
And the cold raindrops streaming down your face
You know it's gone too far

When you can't tell
The difference between
Your friends and enemies
They must be make-believe

And you, a dim shadow
Beneath a dim, dying light
Might want to know
That I cried for you tonight

Untitled - 3/16/97 (At 14)

Bitterness
an infected confection
deriving
from lack of affection
anger and pity
self-reflected
lonesome desire
long neglected
I took some time
to resurrect
the plants that
died of pure neglect
You just watched,
standing erect
recalling words
you now regret
But thoughts and words
won't soon connect
We'll forfeit all
that we protect
You never gave me much
respect
And now it's my turn
to collect

I think the line "plants that died of pure neglect" is interesting because it made me think how you don't have to do something horrible to a living thing to kill it. You can kill something by not tending to it. I wonder if that's how I felt about my feelings and self-worth, etc. Sometimes the harm my parents did to me wasn't physical or antagonistic, but the pure isolation and sense of abandonment alone were killers.

At the end of the poem, the tone turns vengeful. I carried a deep sense of victimhood with me and I fantasized about getting revenge and proving everyone wrong. I even sometimes fantasized about getting kidnapped or hit by a car so that my family would regret the way they had treated me and show me some love and attention. I came to see by example that the way to get people to show their love for you was through having a crisis. I wanted to have one of my own so that everyone would revolve around me for once. When I really did have a crisis with my father last spring, I felt uncomfortable with all the love and attention, because it didn't feel right being at the receiving end of it all. I didn't want people to worry about me. I felt like I was putting people out and monopolizing conversations when my friends called to check on me. Hopefully, this is something I'll be able to accept from people as I recover.