Love again

I see the way you men
look at me
and I get it
You all wanna fuck me
but I just don't have the energy
to keep up with the demands
you make of me
my self worth is
the one thing
you won't take from me

i've been living my life
based on the principle
of scarcity
like conservation
and consumption
are parts of a process
that apply to everything
and that belief blinded the reality
the abundance that abound
and resounds inside me

love is a battlefield
love is a four letter word
love is the saddest story
i ever heard
love is a desert
but also a lake
love is a casting call
for a role you may not want to take

but really, let's be real
since the alternative is to be fake
isn't it possible for your greatest accomplishment
to also be
your greatest mistake?
i tried to keep it inside of me
tied it up so it couldn't leave
and i curled myself up in a ball
afraid that life without love
wouldn't be worth living at all

but... if you love something,
let it go
if you love someone,
fucking let them know
because fuck money
fuck politics
fuck war
love is the only thing
worth loving for

i mean we were spirits
before we had bodies
and we were happy as babies
before we owned anything
and then we learned so many words
we confused how we were meant to feel
so lets just stop to clarify
the sensations that are real

there's hungry
and tired
there's sick
and then love
we're just babies that got bigger
and learned words
we couldn't make sense of

so come,
sit down next to me
rest with me
and then let's make a meal
because love is the only thing
within our power to feel

6/6/10

Today's your birthday
and I wonder if
you felt like me
you used to say
you were born on Doom's Day
did you always feel a little incomplete?

did you feel like you shouldn't have
been born at all?

like no matter what you did
would never be enough
to make you belong?

you were the only one
i thought could possibly understand how I felt
and then I stood
alone and scared
as I watched you
retreat
withdraw
surrender

no explanation would ever
be good enough
for me to understand

because I loved and admired you
big brother

and then you tripped
slipped
off a slippery cliff
I stood shocked -
staring from the precipice
my footing wobbled
I gasped for air
not a clue
what i could possibly do
for me
or
for you

but somehow you survived the crash
all limbs intact
it's been a long, steep climb
from up a deep ravine
it hurt to watch you struggle
I almost wished it could be me

you fought your way
back up to the top
and here you stand
on firm ground
your chest out proud

you are a rare man
who knows the darkness beneath your soul
and how to find your way back

all this time
i spent
racking my brain
dreaming up ways
to help you with your climb

and the thing i never realized
you needed me
just to be
standing, holding your place
so you could see me
and find your way
back to your family

Electricity

My clarity's the only thing
that's not clear
My reality's been getting
a little too real
So stop talking
This isn't a business deal
I don't have to negotiate with you
For the right to how I feel
I said sit down
and shut the fuck up
I'm the one giving orders today
While you drive me around
in my pink garbage truck
picking up pieces
of what I'm about to say

You're a man
I'm an army
So please just get out of my way
If you thought you could destroy me
employ me to stay
You saw me walking on a tightrope
and thought that was my big plan
a thin string to stand on
what you failed to see
was the intricate web that hung below me
you see
I can't fail
or fall through
or ever go hungry
because of the love that I've found
is all around me
surrounds me with its
sparkling intensity
a force field of strength
fortifying me

And the real reason
you failed to see
this massive power grid plugging into me
sadly
is because you cannot feel
love's
subtle
divine
electricity

Untitled - 5/22/10 and 5/23/10

Today's your birthday
I used to think
you were born
to protect me
you made me
a canopy bed
of blue and white checkers
and I remember what you said
that the sheet that hung
from up above me
was there to protect me
from all the bad things outside
getting in
and i believed
truly believed

never felt so deceived
so utterly lied to
like the strength of one man
was enough to rely on
I lay there in awe
as one by one
my demons surrounded me
held me down
and raped me
in the very same bed
built for safekeeping
slipped through the checkered net
leaving blue bruises on my neck
it was easy to blame you
for the mess

Finally, I took it down
declared myself
a big girl now
If there are any demons out to get me
then I want to see
them coming.

It's the day
after your birthday
and this time I remembered
I've been your daughter
your mother
your wife
you needed so much help
and yet it didn't help at all,
did it?

Some things are just too painful
to face
it hurt so much
for so long
i didn't even notice anymore
going through life
an open sore
i've had you and lost you
you've loved me,
then stopped
you protected me
until I got hurt
and then gave me the blame
turning on me
you changed the game
became
someone else
and now look at me-
i need your help

we're on this planet
at the very same time
and after all of our near misses
here we are - still alive
so there's a reason you're here
and i am too
instead of you protecting me
maybe it's meant to be
me protecting you

What Love Looks Like

I was out with a few friends tonight in Brooklyn and one of my friends just found out that her boyfriend of about a year cheated on her while she was away. She said that something that has been hard for her to come to terms with in her relationships is not comparing them to her parents' relationship, because they are very much in love. She said she grew up seeing that love was hard work because her parents argued, and worked at things, and supported each other through the bad times. She worries that she will never have a love like they do.

Another friend in this conversation, we'll say Kevin told her that his parents are also very in love and he has the same fear. He told her something his mom told him once when he expressed this fear to her. She said that his love will look different from hers because it will be a different kind of love, but that he has the good fortune of knowing what love looks like because he saw it between them growing up. She told him not to compare his relationships to theirs, but to use what he knows about love to find someone.

I thought it was very sweet that Kevin shared this with my friend, but it also made me very sad to hear two friends discuss their functional families. I envied the open communication Kevin had with his mom and the idea of growing up in a home without a distorted love. I know all families have thier problems and that there is pain in any family or relationship, but I also know that there is a stark contrast between the type of home I grew up in and a home with love and without alcoholism. There was and is love in my family, but it has always been distorted, fleeting, and usually unfulfilling. I am truly happy for my friends that they have that model, just as much as I'm sad for me that I don't. I struggle with love and I have to say that I don't know what it looks like. And that's okay. It's another thing to explore. I'll add it to the list. And it's kind of a relief to think that whatever relationships I've had previous to this were not love. So whatever it is, it can only be better, right?