Silence - 1/10

Silence is a sound
that only some can hear
it's a language
and a moan
it's the memory of fear
it isn't golden
or bronzed
sometimes it isn't even true
it isn't glittered or adorned
but it's a promise that i made to you

it's the torn up bits of paper
it's my secret shining through
and i'm glaring with my eyes
to get this one thing out of you
i've met people who were strangers
until they shared my point of view
i'm the child of my mother
and that is always true

Untitled - 3/15/02 (At 19)

but the mud inside my head
doesn't seem to come out
when you're reaching through my ear
squeeze until i shout
wring it till i cry
numb me with the pain
make your presence known
leave your imprint on my brain
sometimes i don't know
what it is i vocalize
the path from brain to mouth
becomes this compromise
so why not go ahead
open me up and look around
cause that's what i mean
that's how i feel
and that's our common ground

It used to be a lot harder for me to identify my feelings and then to express them verbally. but it is getting easier for me now. It's not exactly second nature, but I find my reactions popping out of my mouth a lot quicker, which is a good thing for me.

Instinct - 2/4/10

then there's just one thing
i'm sure i never knew
but here we are in 2010
so where does that leave you?

i've been pretending like
leaving you
didn't feel like rejection
i've been hiding in the shadow
of hurt and deception

i'm a woman scorned
and a woman burned
and running from that house ablaze
was no act of consciousness
or strength
or pride
that was instinct
saving my life

Everything - written at 13

Let it all out...

Your lost screams
Your broken dreams
And Everything
that ever seemed
to mislead

Let it all out
because this will be the
Last time
You can express emotions

Since Everything you are
will soon be
stuffed inside my
tiny soundless bottle

Where no one can hear your cries
In my tiny soundless bottle
that will be carelessly tossed
Into the ocean

Where the waves will smash your being
Your emotion
Your commotion
and Everything will rest
amidst the Ocean

Until...
Your anger, rage and venom
overflows my
tiny soundless bottle

The cork will pop off,
celebrating your hatred
that will dye
the ocean red.

Red with slit veins
Red with spilt brains
Red with everything
that tops insane

The blood red bubbling contains
Your hardship
Your heartache
Your headache
that never goes away

And your voice will rise
above the cries
inside of my
tiny soundless bottle

Your voice will cry
that Everything we told you was a lie
Everything hearty has passed you by
All that is left of you is an empty sigh
And naturally you want to die

Your voice will ring
with Everything

Untitled - (at 12 or 13)

Watching hands on the clock move
Isn't my favorite hobby
Wasting time and my hope
Dilluting the life left inside me

Two months and counting
Don't be like my formers
Seems I keep getting locked
and lost in your corners

The path to you winds too
Drastically to follow
Are the feelings that I gave you
Just too thick to swallow?

Untitled 10/29/09

I'm the luckiest girl
who makes the most mistakes
There's someone picking up the pieces
Everytime my heart breaks
Didn't you see it coming
Down the hall
in the air
Didn't you see the truth on my face
When I spat in yours and screamed
I DON'T CARE

You could give me a chance
and give up your name
walk down the block
you'll still feel the same
it's not a path
it's just a hallway
where you thought you were going
brought you back to yesterday

I got dealt a hand
I didn't know how to play
If you remembered playing yours
then we could both be on our way
This isn't my choice
This is just another day
Another way to pass the time
Another time to make your way

I guess you could say
I'm a little bit damaged
And that I'm a bit confused
I'm a little bit of a lot of things
the least of which is amused

My Place - written 9/4/07

Isn't it over yet?
Hasn't the birdie taken the bait?
You said, shut up little girl
impatience is for those who wait

I stomped my foot
and I shook my head
you said, quiet foolish girl
you keep fussing
I'll put you to bed

So I bit my mouth shut
and turned red in the face
now they say, speak up girl
but I already know my place

This poem is interesting to me, because I wasn't in recovery yet in 2007. I'm often surprisingly unaware of what my poems are about, so I bet I didn't even realize it at the time, though it seems so obvious now to be about denial and repressed feelings I grew up with and how it continued to affect me as an adult.